Darwin Awards: Avoid the nomination

The world is full of scientists and inventors, and many awards are related to scientific accomplishments and technological inventions.  However, there is only one award for foolishness: the Darwin Award.  It’s not a prestigious award, but unfortunately, it is well known.  We have all no doubt heard the phrase “hold my beer,” which often precedes some act of complete lunacy done for the sake of redneck science.  Sometimes, that statement is replaced with or followed by “well, here goes nothing,” only to have everyone else shockingly realize that it was honestly everything at that moment.  These incidents are like train wrecks; the ride was fun until it went off the rails.

Recently, while at a coffee shop, I sat beside some gentlemen in security company uniforms talking about work.  At first, I did not pay much attention as it was none of my business, and I was up to my eyelids in work for my master’s program.  At the time, I did not realize that I may be witnessing the early stages of someone’s invention award-winning concept or the beginning stages of a fun train ride that would eventually go off the rails, resulting in another Darwin Award.
So, as I sat there and began logging into my computer, I heard one of the gentlemen say something that immediately drew my attention.  Now, I know I should not have listened.  Still, to be honest, believing myself to be a lifelong learner, I was utterly intrigued and also confused at the same time.  One of the gentlemen explained that as the head tactical guy for their company, he found an amazing piece of new tactical gear that would be extremely valuable for their guys.

As a retired tactical guy, I had to know what this new amazing piece of equipment was.  Then, as I sat on the edge of my chair, he divulged what this amazing new technologically advanced equipment was.  He proudly stated that he had found a ballistic baseball hat for their guys to wear during work, especially if they had to do tactical operations.  That’s right, folks, a ballistic baseball hat.  He stated that he purchased one and that they were what military and police tactical units wear.  After hearing this, I was even more intrigued; I could not help but think to myself, a ballistic baseball hat for tactical operations?  Had military and police tactical units moved to such technology since my retirement only two years earlier?  Of course, I knew the answer, but I had to hear more.  So I sat covertly listening and thinking amusingly, why did I spend my whole tactical career wearing a ballistic helmet when I could have been wearing a bulletproof baseball cap?  Then it dawned on me it was because this was no doubt a possible product of redneck science and required someone to say, “Hold my beer.”

As I sat there trying to make it appear as though I was not invading their privacy, I could not help but think this guy was either joking or entirely out of his mind.  But on the off chance that neither of these assumptions was true and that some future invention award winner did invent a life-saving bulletproof baseball hat for tactical operations, I had to know.  Thus, I decided to use what should have been my limited schoolwork time to see if there was any truth to this nugget of innovation he was providing his friend.  So, I began to research more information on the topic.  To my surprise, he was right; they now sell ballistic baseball hats.  I am not sure they are now being used by the military or many LEO tactical units.  Still, they are being marketed to them as well as security companies.

Here is where I am struggling and where I believe this train leaves the station, heading for a Darwin Award ceremony.  I get the hats are probably sexy.  Great people love that, and the models advertising this type of stuff scream sexy.  I also get that I am old and definitely not sexy, so perhaps I am just not able to see the proper perspective.  Maybe they are somewhat comfortable, though I doubt it.  Having soft body armor molded around the top of my head does not sound any more comfortable than wearing my old ballistic helmet, which at least had some ventilation.  I get that they are said to be bulletproof, but to what end does that mean, and does it matter?  Body armor is bullet-resistant, not bulletproof, so this would be an improvement in technology, to be sure.  But then I must ask, what is the purpose of this, and will it really make a big difference?

I am not a brilliant man, but I do know this.  Although dispersed, the kinetic energy created by a ballistic projectile on soft body armor still creates some impact trauma and, depending on the caliber of the round, can be a significant amount.  This would most likely result in extreme TBI and even skull fractures.  It would be like being hit in the head with a sledgehammer at full strength instead of a pick axe; well, that’s great; it’s the small victories that count, I guess!
Ballistic helmets are designed to minimize penetration and impact trauma to some degree by how they are shaped and the type of padding offered inside the helmet.  From what I saw, the soft body armor used in these baseball hats does not provide shape technology that helps deflect rounds to prevent direct impacts and does not provide the padding necessary to prevent impact trauma.  Thus, they simply cannot accomplish meaningful ballistic protection to the head.

The reality is that taking a round to the head while wearing these hats may prevent the unseemly hole, but it will not prevent the damage.  Deep impact trauma will occur upon impact by the bullet, which is why soft body armor used by police and military use trauma plates to cover vital organs.  These types of products are being marketed as some of the latest and greatest things in ballistic protection and tactical equipment.  But who is buying them, and better yet, who tried them out?  I am not sure military or police tactical units have jumped on this technological advancement yet, though again, I have been retired for two years.

Outside of the “is it practical” argument, I have another question: why?  These types of products, just like bungee cords and wing-suits, are no doubt cool, but are they actually a good idea?  Like the brail on drive-up ATMs, one must ask if this was well thought out.  Bulletproof baseball hats, as far as I can tell, serve no purpose unless someone takes you out to the ballpark in an active war zone.  So, who are the people buying them?  Some buyers are, I am sure, simply doing so for the fun of collecting a novel item.  No worries, have fun, but hold on to your beer, please!  Others will undoubtedly be people working in fields where armed encounters like private security and personal protection can occur.

Unfortunately, many of these folks lack real experience and training.  They may not understand the principles and realities of ballistics, ballistic protection, and ballistic trauma.  Unfortunately, others will be redneck scientists who fall into both previous categories.  These will be the ones who say, “Hold my beer,” as they test out the “it’s a bulletproof hat” theory with their friends, securing their nominations for a well-deserved Darwin award.  It is these folks that cause me to think about that old saying, “That which does not kill us,—Only makes us not want to do that again!” or something like that.

I am not sure about anyone else, but I think just like the 20th century, the 21st century will lead to many innovations that result in well-deserved invention awards and, unfortunately, some Darwin Awards.  So please, hold onto your beer and skip the awards ceremony.  If you are asked by someone else to hold their beer, I suggest you politely decline, or better yet, run away because there is likely a Darwin Award involved!

Stay Safe!